it's hard to be thankful when your life feels like a heaping pile of shit. but i am thankful that i am alive and thankful that there are still people who care about me. 

things aren't going very well. i mean, they could be worse, but it's pretty horrible from my perspective. i am at my heaviest and let's just say i am scared that if i don't change, i will not only be alone forever but i'll just be even more unhappy. but i am also freaking out because i'm afraid of failing at this. because it is a huge thing, losing weight and not giving in to the temptation that's around me. my dealing with my p.s.o.d. isn't any better either. i will be talking with my doctor on tuesday and hopefully i'll get put on medication and things will get better with that. this is going to be even harder to get over than my weight problem. 

saturday i noticed a lump on the right side of my jaw and wasn't really concerned until sunday, when I noticed there was pain associated with the lump and by monday it had gotten bigger. so I went to a Physician's Immediate Care and had a doctor look at it. All he did was rub it around (which fucking hurt, fyi) and tell me my lymphnodes were swollen. so right now I'm on antibiotics for the next week and it's even more painful and just annoying being there. my Mom told me that she talked to her friend, Mary, about it and she said her son had the same thing when he was younger and had to have surgery to remove it ... SURGERY?! "oh fuck," I thought. i cried last night because of the pain I'm in and the thought of having to go under anesthesia (not to mention the thoughts of me, flashing wildly through my head, of me talking to my mom & friends and telling them i love them and all that crazy shit). these damn antibiotics better work. 

i didn't think i'd hate my dad to the point where I wouldn't call him "dad" anymore, but, ladies and gentlemen, i believe i have. my grandpa died almost 3 months ago and i still do not have all of his & my grandmother's "leftover" possessions. random stuff and fake jewelry may just be shit to some people but these were their things and i've wanted so many things since i stayed there last summer. i knew it was going to be hard to get what i wanted but jesus, i never knew it would be this hard and take this long ... nor could i have ever imagined that they (dad & toni) would give away stuff before letting me even look at them. THEY DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME. the one picture/painting i really wanted, they gave away! what is wrong with these people? i'm sick of toni. the meer mention of her name and the sound of her voice makes me want to vomit violently and than throw it in her face. beautiful right? going back to the picture, luckily i was at goodwill about 2 sundays ago with my friend & her sister and I saw this framed mirror and i noticed it looked an awful lot like the mirror my grandma kept in her room with her jewelry and perfume on top. so, I told Steph and than finished looking through the framed/picture stuff and what else do i find? the owl picture I was planning on taking once I've gotten a chance to go to Grandpa's and look through things. My mom has one just like it and that's why I wanted my grandma's. I haven't talked to either of them in over a week or so, but I don't know how I'm supposed to talk to them like nothing happened. I'm just going to lose my mind, I know it. 

final thought : i don't know about things anymore. or people, either, for that matter. someday i will be able to look into a mirror and realize, hey, i am happy and i love myself ... someday right?

this weather SUCCKKSS. with a captial suck.

went to the doctor's on Thursday. had my first ever pap smear, pelvic exam and breast exam. it was interesting and thankfully overwith before i knew it. got x-rays of my knee. it's all good. might be some fucked up cartiledge or muscle though. it's still tight and it hurts. guess i'll just keep poppin' the Aleve. blood pressure was good, too. however, my doctor thinks my self-diagnosis of the PCOD was right on and that i'm going to need blood work because the condition could mean I'm at risk for being pre-diabetic. goody for me. makes me feel like a fool because I could've prevented most of the horrors I've delt with with PCOD, but did I? NO. because I'm a fucking whimp. Luckily I can change things, but it's going to cost money I do not have. that's life right?

i'm fucking lonely as ever. i need the touch and embrace of a man. i need his body up against mine, not in a sexual way, just near me. close to me. i've only ever been kissed once and i've tried to block all of that out of my mind and i'm afraid i'll never be good with being with someone because i lack the experience. and i want to be with someone with experience, not someone who will be fumbling along like me. that's weird, right? i don't know. but than i just never feel like who i am is good enough. i have to be like someone else or be different because who i am is not who guys fall for. and i'm sorry if this is shallow, but i have certain standards. not high ones, but i have them. and why should i just throw them out ... because I'm lonely? it's not the title i need, it's the want and acception and love. pathetic.

i've come to realize i could be gone for months before only a few people would wonder, "oh where's michelle been?". it's sad that i get upset about it but don't i matter? and when something's wrong, no one cares or sympathizes with me. they're too busy. god, i don't even know where my head's at right now. i'm just so tired and so fed up.

i swear here, on this livejournal, that i am never getting drunk off hard liquor ever again. though i did get felt up by two chicks, but that's not the point. i don't know. i enjoy drinking but the thought of puking doesn't sit well with me, so i need to lay off. i'm so tired right now, too.

rudy's been obsessing over my "big ass" all week.
my cousin had her baby boy 6 weeks early; he's fine but he'll be in ICU for a while.
broke again.
getting lost in my thoughts again. i need to get out of my head.
gotta clean the bathroom and do laundry and somehow manage to get down to the library.

later.

started my new job today. 'twas quite awesome. except that my feet are killing me right now because i wore my shitty work boots which i guess i really don't need to wear. casual work enviornments rock. i work with mostly guys, except for one older woman and my supervisor. they're all pretty awesome and apparently they all smoke pot, too lmao. william will love that one! but hopefully soon, i'll be getting into the work more instead of just standing around.

i also got a "new" car ['93 Oldsmobile Cutless] and it runs so much better [and faster] and yeah. it has a tape deck. lmao yay.

life is getting better. :) i'm happy and that's good.

women are the suck.


i'm mad but i don't even want to get into it because she's too worthless to care about.

i saw "Jarhead" again last night, with Trisha this time and it's just such a great movie. we might go see it again if it's replaying for the next week.



hmm. life.

( a boy likes me )

work is killing me! my shoulders are so sore. :( and i'm fucking tired, so goodnight.

ahem ...


I THINK SOMEONE LIKES ME HEHE. and he's moving back to Rockford, gasp!


i also think my right eye [the iris] is turning brown. DUBBA TEE EFF, MATE?! it's freaking me out! I like my green eyes damnit!

i have been up since 1 pm yesterday. i am so dizzy and my contacts are sticking to my eyeballs. so, if this post gets all fucked up and stupid sounding well ... let's blame the no sleep thing.

and i do not want to fucking work tomorrow. ugh, saturdays blow.

everyone should go on their MySpizzle and look up the band, "The Moment", they're from Rockford and I think they're great. all their songs are amazing.

k, shower and than sleeeeppp. god, i'm going to wake up feeling like shit i bet -knock on wood-


something to add. i should have my new tattoos in a month, once i get my refund money. it's gonna be sweeettt.

wtf is wrong with some women? stop being a stupid cunt and live up to your mistakes. my god, don't blame me because you're too busy talking to fucking pay attention to anything. christ, do you even have a brain to think with? and now that you're on the belt, we can't fucking get rid of you. bullshit.


whatever.


( the lies behind these eyes, somehow found their way inside )

have a wicked new years, ya'll. and be responsable and stuff!

i got pretty much what i wanted for christmas.


my dad was an asshole and the entire evening was horrible. he can take his psp and shove it. my stepmom wasn't any better and her & her sister annoy the fuck out of me.

i'm moving out soon, hopefully. and getting my car next week (?).



i need a job and if i don't find one soon, i'm gonna go nuts. apparently the girl at work, who was only supposed to be in our area for seasonal, is now going to stay permenantly. oh my god, i'm going to fucking lose it. someone kill me now.

( about me + myspace link )